Q: How Can I Help My Friend? I know she is in a violent relationship.
A: First, listen...
    Listen to her pain, to her tales of mental and physical hurt, and to her fears. When she learns you will listen -- and not judge or blame -- she will talk to you and seek your support.
    As you learn more about her life, you could be in a position to challenge her when she denies that she is a victim of domestic violence, says it is "all her fault, " or is "really not that bad." Tell her you know what is happening. She might turn away from you. But, you cannot help a victim if you cooperate in her denial.
    Educate yourself and, when possible, share with her what you have learned about the cycle of violence. (Phase one is the buildup of tension. Phase two is the explosion of abuse -- mental or physical. Phase three is the "I'm sorry, it will never happen again" phase.) Suggest books, movies, or other material that might help empower her. Keep handy information on local support services.
    Appeal to her for the sake of her children. Children can be injured when they try to protect their mothers from harm; they are significantly more likely to be neglected by both their parents when they live in a violent home; and they feel enormous guilt -- for not being able to stop the abuse, or for loving the abuser. Often, they suffer emotional and academic difficulties, as well as problems with substance abuse and delinquency. Research shows that ninety percent of boys who witness violence towards their mothers will grow up to abuse their own wives and children. Many women will consider action to protect their children, even when they won't consider protecting themselves.
    Reassure your friend that she can come to you when she is ready to make a change. But, accept her decision to return to her abuser -- many factors often prevent her from staying away from him. When she returns to him, think positively. If she left once, she CAN -- and hopefully WILL -- leave again. Remember: she has to be ready to change her life. This change requires enormous effort. She is frightened and very tired.
    Be patient -- it will be difficult -- and be there for her. If she is lucky enough to escape with her life, she will need a friend because breaking this violent cycle is not easy. She deserves the freedom to live in a safe home, in peace. This freedom is indescribable. One day, she will thank you.

     --Charlotte Fedders
Ms. Fedders is the mother of five sons, and author of the book, Shattered Dreams, the story of her former life as a victim of domestic violence.

    Source: National Women's Health Report, November/December 1993, Published by The National Women's Health Resource Center, 2440 M Street, NW, Washington, DC 20037

24 Hour Crisis Line: (479) 782-4956 1-800-359-0056 Toll Free Number Crisis Center for Women 500 Lexington Avenue Suite A Ft. Smith, AR 72901 Telephone: (479) 782-1821 Fax: (479) 782-9035